Thursday, 8 April 2010
Slow Burn
Also this week, I've sat through the mindless bilge that is Gamer. It's got Gerrard Butler in it, and it's about humans who get controlled by other humans in a Gears of War-style deathmatch in order to win their freedom. Yawn. Haven't we seen similar themes umpteen times before? Recent takes on the idea such as Surrogates and Avatar instantly spring to mind and indeed, even one of my short film ideas (that remained on the drawing board due to it's been there, done that nature) while at University was a project titled 'Game Over,' which, funnily enough told the familiar tale of gamers who played a video deathmatch and who were killed in reality if their avatar in the game came a cropper. Like I said, "yawn."
And apart from the usual crap like going to the gym, eating noodles infused with hotdog sausages, and sleeping...I have done very little else of interest. That's the problem with working these night shifts - I'm either sat in work for 12 hours through the night, in bed, in the gym...or back at work again! Not an ideal situation, really, and ultimately excruciatingly monotonous. But what can you do? I don't expect I'll be doing anything more interesting over the coming week either, seeing as I have just enough money to sustain life through frugal food shoppage, but all things come to pass. That's the PMA (positive mental attitude) kicking in. If I actually spoke the truth about how fucking pissed off I am, and how I'd like nothing more than to run naked through a shopping centre with a pump action shotgun...well, I'd probably find myself locked up under some kind of obscure terror/mental health act. And that just simply would not do. So I have four nights left of incredible boredom and eye-burning tiredness to look forward to. In the immortal words of Tony the Tiger: Grrrrreat.
Monday, 5 April 2010
Flat Caps & Whippets
When you go into the main foyer there's this massive stain-glass dome forming the ceiling, which is pretty spectacular. The sliding doors that comprise the entrance portal to this wondrous void are less awe-inspiring - they seemed to open and close at random, leading to some interesting situations involving, well, being squashed between two sliding plates of glass. Elsewhere, the dining area and bar didn't fail to impress me: soft classical music, the aroma of quality coffee, the helpful and polite staff. Tis superb and is as opulent and luxurious as you'd expect a 4-Star hotel to be. Special mention must also go to the lift, which makes a bizarre beeping noise every time it arrives. Why? Is it announcing it's arrival to those people too ignorant to notice the doors opening? Who knows. But it beeps. Oddly.
Apart from being over-awed by the hotel, the rest of my/our time up there in the great industrial North was spent taking in the sights, sounds and (usually quite pungent) smells of the city. We went to Salford Quays (via the newly refurbished Metrolink - which is like the London Underground, but less crowded, over-ground, and without the constant feeling of impending apocalypse) to experience the blistering cold razor-wind and the Imperial War Museum North; we ventured into the Gothic splendour of the John Rylands Library; we were seated in a Slug & Lettuce gastro-pub but then left before ordering any scran because they wanted £15 for a fucking salad; and we even went to the Royal Exchange Theatre to watch a production of Shakespeare's A Comedy Of Errors.
I have to admit that I'm a bit of a novice when it comes to Shakespeare (although I have read Macbeth, Romeo & Juliet and...er...The Shakespeare Secret), but I really enjoyed the play, and totally understood it too - which was a bonus, considering how dense my swede is. We sampled other delights of the city (Joseph Holt Mild, a meat pie that required it's own foundations, the Arndale Centre, the Wheel of Manchester, the Printworks, all-you-can-eat Chinese, the Frog & Bucket Comedy Club and the Curry Mile included) during the visit, and I must admit that I was quite sad when Thursday rolled around and checkout time loomed...but all in all it was a bloody marvellous excursion and I enjoyed pretty much every second of it. Apart from the feral kids running around the Museum of Science & Industry and the fucking blistering cold, wind and rain that persisted throughout the duration of the stay. But cest la vie, eh? Many thanks, once again if you're reading this drivel, by the way. No, not you.
So yeah, got back to my oft-mentioned house share on Thursday evening and desperately tried to enjoy handing over my rent money, before going to bed. And then on Friday I jumped in the car and drove back up North to Gloucester to spend the Easter weekend with my uncle, various cousins and several gallons of alcoholic liquid. Which was nice. But alas, all good things must come to an end, and now I'm back at work writing this shit whilst a cretin polishes a weapon behind me. And that, my friends, is not a euphemism. Gotta take the rough with the smooth I guess. Now excuse me whilst I embark on Mary Shelly's Frankenstein...it's gonna be a long week.
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Mind Slurry
It makes sense when you think about it - if you flout the rules of society and commit a crime, your punishment is the removal of all forms of stimuli, ie prison. Well, that's the theory, anyway - but most of the tabloids would have us all believe that 'lags' all live in fur-lined cells with four poster beds, solid gold Xboxes and enough cake and sweets to enable them to become disturbingly plump. No, what I'm getting at is that without money, it is hard to entertain oneself and ultimately the main goal in most people's lives is to find entertainment. So by overspending last month, next month will essentially be a form of prison for me...a massive, Butcher Bay-esque prison of long, quiet days and drawn out, mind-numbing evenings. Urgh, urgh, and thrice urgh. Spot the oxford comma, win cock all.
Apart from being eternally broke, there is another thing that really, really annoys me and I feel I must write about it here. It's blokes...talking about football. Now, I love football. Can't get enough of it. I love playing it, love watching it, love playing it on the computer...but talk about it?! I can't think of anything worse. As I write this, I can hear people talking about football. And it's sapping my will to breathe. It's just cliche after fucking cliche. A pale imitation of the kind of horse manure that tumbles from the lips of Garth Crookes or Alan Hansen during any edition of Match of the Day, only without the action replays. It really fucking winds me up, even more so when I'm roped into the conversation. I don't give a fuck about West Ham's game with Wolves. I don't give a fuck about Tevez. I don't give a fuck about fucking Liver-fucking-pool! AAAARGH! I'll happily sit there and watch a match...but please, don't try to talk to me about inane footy-related subjects...because I'm likely to slap you. Or fall asleep.
Got hold of the third book in the Takeshi Kovacs series a few weeks ago. It's called Woken Furies, but I've not started reading it yet because I can't be arsed. I think I only bought it because I've read the first two and the completest in me forced me to purchase it in order to silence some little part of my soul that would boil and burn in anguish forever if I didn't. Like one of those weird kids at school who had to have all of the Teeny Terrapins out of Kinder Eggs. Fucking Kinder Eggs. What a load of arse those things are. The suspense...the awe...the horrible 'foreign' chocolate followed by the life-altering depression that came crashing against your sense of self like a tsunami when you opened up the little plastic capsule to discover...a plastic molded hippo wearing a tutu and holding a harp (especially when all you wanted was one of those little cars with a flywheel inside). That, my friends, is the stuff of nightmares. Forget Tim Burton and his (well intentioned, but often poorly executed) bullshit - the Kinder Egg is pure, unrefined horror...that can be matched only by having to listen to blokes talk about football.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Noodle Snack My Bitch Up
- Having Cilla Black sit on your face
- Knowing that you had a fiver in your pocket, reaching for it when you've got a load of ASDA Smart Price Noodle Snacks on the checkout, and then realising that you've lost said fiver.
- Waking up with a hangover and spew all over your duvet
- Having a shit job that you hate
- Living in a the squalor of a shanty town
Not that I've ever experienced the last point on the list, but I can guess that the notion of moving for someone who does (live in a shanty town), is far from the 2nd most grief-filled experience of their life. Especially if they're moving out of said shanty town. Into a big pink mansion. But I digress. I'm not moving. This is because after weighing it up, moving all the way back to my previous abode, what with it's freezing temperatures, basic kitchen facilities and complete lack of mobile phone signal, would be an adventure too hideous to bear. Furthermore, my landlord offered me the opportunity to keep my room, but pay vastly reduced weekly rent when I'm working (for a week at at a time) on the base. Can't say fairer than that, really. Furthermore, the nights at the house that were intended to be my last were actually a really good laugh with my housemates, so I rescind any previous comments I may have written here without justification. Consider me devouring an entire, family sized ASDA Smart Price humble pie.
On the subject of Smart Price, who the fuck decided this shit is 'smart'? Fair enough - the price is low enough, but 'smart'? I think not. Y'see, this month I overspent massively. And I mean massively. So with just over a week to go till payday, I found myself a fair way into my overdraft, and keen to avoid any further sinkage into the mire of debt, I cleverly decided to try and get to payday spending as little money as possible - something I'm sure we all do from time to time.
Cue a trip to ASDA, and a trolley full of green and white-labelled foodstuffs. At this point, I'd just like to point out that on a QWERTY keyboard, the letters A,S,D are all next to each other. Conspiracy? You decide. But going back to the point, I bought a butt-load of Smart Price stuff. And it's all fucking disgusting. Case in point: the 'Noodle Snack.' Now, I know it's only 20p a pot and I know that it's hardly going to be a luxury dish by it's very nature (it's dried noodles in a pot, for Christ's sake), but fuck me...the shit is barely edible once you've added the boiled water. The noodles themselves simply will not soften - no matter how long you leave the thing to stew...and the lack of any discernible flavour is...well...not really that surprising, to be honest. In retrospect, I suppose having to endure the tasteless sensation of an ASDA Smart Price Noodle Snack is my punishment for being too frivolous with my money. A rather fitting main meal to go with my dessert of humble pie. Hmmm.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Ass Clowns
Thursday, 4 March 2010
A Pinch of Salt
Well, it's my birthday. Yep - 28 years ago today (at 5.30 PM, to be precise), I was dragged from the warmth and comfort of my mum's womb into this disgusting reality. I can vividly remember lying in my bed while I was still at school (after the school day had finished, obviously) and wondering what I'd be doing in 10 or 20 years. If I'd known then what lay in store for me (various massive family bust-ups, nights sleeping rough, a bullshit University course that has given me nothing but hideous debt, and the eventual downward slide through the gutter of office temping and into a pointless role in Her Majesty's Royal Navy), I'd have probably have just drank a bottle of weed killer and be done with it. Or ran away to join the Texas Rangers like Lard Ass did in the alternative, Teddy Duchamp ending to Geordie Lachance's campfire tale in Stand By Me.
It's not all bad though - I've finally found out just what the hell is going on with my knee. I went to see a physio on Tuesday, and I have to admit that the cynic in me had actually already completely devoured the rest of my personality before I'd even entered the surgery. I was determined that I'd just be made to do a few star jumps and told to fuck off. And I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the actual session that ensued. The physio asked me to detail how the injury had come about, how long ago, what it felt like etc and then did a proper examination of my legs, range of movement and strength...before coming to the conclusion that I have fucked up my knee by having weak ass muscles. Which is nice. So now I've got a programme of leg exercises to do, and with any luck I should be out running again in the next few months. Happy days.
I've also found a rather nice little trinket in the local Pound Shop. It's a little opaque-white ball that you can put on a shelf (or anywhere else you may want) that lights up when you turn it on via the little switch underneath. Only it doesn't just light up...it cycles through all the wondrous colours of the rainbow! It's a pointless little contraption, but for a single pound - a QUID - I thought it was rather marvellous. I use it as a little night light thing next to my bed, and with the big light off it casts lovely pastel hues across the walls. A bit gay, yes, but soothing...and it COST A FUCKING QUID! What else can you buy for a quid nowadays. Not a fucking lot, I'll tell you. In some newsagents, a can of Pepsi Max costs a quid these days. I remember when a can of pop was 30p - I shit you not, there was a can machine in our school that dispensed ice-cold cans of Sunkist and The Official Alton Towers Nemesis Drink (that tasted of Sambuca mixed with 18 bags of sugar and turned your tongue black) for thirty New Pence. Ah, halcyon days of yore.
This post isn't really going anywhere to be honest, I'm just rambling for my own enjoyment. And there's not a fucking thing you can do about it! Well, there is - you could just go back to reading Wikipedia or adding random fit birds to your 'friends' on Facebook - but where's the fun in that?! Remember my Palm Pre? It's going from strength to strength you know. It updated itself to WebOS 1.4 the other day, and this new software edition has added a few cool new things to the phone. Cool things that you'd already get on other phones, granted (video recording, more stable OS etc), but cool nonetheless. I even got Need For Speed Undercover to download onto it for free the other day. You should see the graphics - it sounds like I'm taking the piss, but they're better than owt I've ever seen on the PSP. Madness ain't it!
Regardless of the above though, it's still my birthday and I still can't go and get bollocksed because I'm at work. Never mind, I'll make up for it next week by necking a bottle of vodka and walking in front of a bus.
Monday, 1 March 2010
Friday Fun
Well, here we are then. I'm back at work. I call it work, but in reality it's nothing more physically taxing than sitting at a desk for 12 hours a night. Sitting on your ass for 12 hours straight can get a little tiresome after the 3rd shift of the week, but I shouldn't really complain. I could be sat at a desk in some sandy warzone somewhere, but I'm not (yet) so it's cool. One thing that ain't so cool is the fact that I have managed to fuck my other, 'good' leg up. I have already documented the trouble I have been having with my right knee (I have officially been diagnosed as having iliotibial band syndrome now, rather than just speculating), but now I've managed to injure my left leg too though idiocy. It's only a matter of time before I'm in a wheelchair - mark my words. How did I do it? Here:
On Thursday I felt like it was about time I tried going for an actual run as my leg didn't feel too bad. I smothered my knee in Ibuprofen cream and set off. About three miles in, I passed a leisure centre that I previously didn't know existed (I've moved to an area I'm not overly familiar with). After my run (and with my knee not feeling too bad), I called the leisure centre and booked an induction for the following day. For some fucking retarded reason, the only induction time they had was at 6.30pm. Why? Why couldn't they have just organised one for the morning or something? There was no point in arguing, so I just accepted it.
6.00 on Friday finally rolled around, so I cycled down to the leisure centre for the induction. It was as I entered the car park that I realised I'd forgotten my fucking wallet - the wallet that contained the £10 with which I was going to pay for the induction. I was particularly annoyed because for some fucking stupid reason, I'd still remembered to pick up my driving licence and bank card...but not the wallet. When I went up to the receptionist in the gym and told her what I'd done, she went off to ask if I could pay by card. This fucking knob of a gym instructor appeared from nowhere and marched over to the reception desk with a face like thunder. "Is there a problem?" he barked at me. I told him what I'd done and he just stood there with a vein popping out of his forehead. "You can't pay by card" came his reply, and just walked back off into the office. Fucking ignorant cunt.
At that point, I was happy to just sack the induction off and go home - since when do you talk to paying customers like that? I'm not some mincing soft-arse, you understand, but you expect some kind of politeness when you are trying to spend money somewhere - be it a pub, shop or a gym. As you can imagine, I wasn't overly impressed with this cock's customer service skills. I went back outside and got on my bike, ready to cycle back to my gaff, but then I remembered that I'd passed a Tesco on the way down and that it had had a cashpoint. So off I set, to get a tenner out from Tesco and then come back for my induction with the roid-rage ignorant wank-stain gym instructor. Why? Because I'm a fucking prick, that's why.
Anyway, I was riding along the pavement, doing a fair old speed on my trusty Carrera Subway when I decided to turn onto the road. I turned, fairly sharply, not noticing that the path was covered in mud in the fading light, and the front wheel just went from under me. The bike slid one way, I went the other and I came to rest on my back several feet away from the bike with my legs on the road and my head cracked against the pavement. My hand was cut open and my knee, thigh and ankle had the skin scraped off. Then a car went past and had the fucking cheek to beep at me as I lay there like a tosspost half on the road. What a wanker. I got up and went to Tesco, got the money and still went back for my induction (that was actually conducted by a different instructor), but my leg was killing me, and I was covered in blood so I just did a quick weights work out and fucked off home. Also, I didn't actually join the leisure centre because the gym itself was pathetically small and all the equipment looked like it'd come out of the dark ages. In a word, it was shit. So basically I threw away a tenner, got spoken to like a cunt and fell off my bike. All on a Friday night. Woop.